Hullomosexuals! And happiest Pride Month 2015 to you all! Just please to not get me started on bringing the Pride Parade back to Broadway. There are not enough pixels on the whole damn internet at this point…

Anyway! Three important things we must discuss:

Firstly: RPDR! At last! The bitter end! It’s been a long, grueling and deeply emotional journey this season of The Drag Race (frankly, I feel like I’ve climbed Mount Everest on my blistered, bloody, wind-burned lips, and my lips are wearing six-inch heels two sizes too small), and even though I was rooting with every inch my black little heart and nonexistent ginger soul for Ben DeLaCreme (ahem…), the winner is …

NOBODY!

That’s right. The winner is nobody. Seriously.

We’re all losers here.

Secondly:  I guess the biggest news this week (not counting earthquakes, volcanoes, mass die-offs in nature and political shit shows) is of course the glamorous front cover reveal of Caitlyn Jenner, who broke the internet yesterday by looking exactly like Jessica Lange. Or Courtney Cox maybe. Or an aging Lana Del Rey. The point is, hooray for her, really, but how the hell can any transgendered woman possibly be a flipping REPUBLICAN? Gross. That just goes against all logic and common sense.

Well. Whatever. I get the feeling that we should prepare for another “reveal” from Miss Jenner in not too long when she finally realizes on which side her political bread is buttered. There’s time. I have faith.

And since I only watch reality TV when I’m literally getting paid to do it, I finally just got the whole “Caitlyn” with a “C” and not a “K” shade. Zing! Top drawer shade there, Miss Jenner! You’ve got the hang of this already.

And thirdly: I’ve been promising my own big reveal (somebody get Annie Leibowitz on the phone, quick!), so here she is–The Top Ten Hottest Guys in Seattle According to Me Or Whatever ™!  But that’s not all. It’s also time to announce the winner of two tickets to Outside In Pride Comedy Showcase with James Adomain and Nick Sahoyah for guessing the most of them!

Tex is not only the winner, he's also on the list.

Tex is not only the winner, he’s also on the list.

So, those hotties who were correctly guessed were as follows: Scott Britt (duh, that was basically a complete giveaway–“Snot Bucket”? I ask you…), Tex Holcum (sorry Terry Hecker!), Eric Nealy, Chris Taylor, Deo Bebber, Dylan Ward, Nathan Wayne and Adaam King!

The remaining two y’all guessed totally wrong and so I’m simply not going to tell you who they are. Must I wear my heart on my sleeve?

And so! The winner of the comedy tickets, pulled randomly from the proverbial hat from the qualifying candidates is hottie himself, Tex Holcum! Congratulations Tex!

I guess next year I should make a rule that the hotties can’t actually win. Duh.

And yes, I’ll be doing this again next year—every year, in fact, baring calamity or apathy. But next year, I’m going big, with a reveal party and prizes for the Hottest Guy of the Year Award! Won’t that be fun?

So congratulations to you, hotties! Keep your hotness hotting! And to everyone who didn’t make the list, better luck next year…you’re still pretty damn cute…most of the time.