by Adrian Ryan

Shut Up I'm Talking

Hulloooomosexuals! And welcome to another goddamn Velentimes Day. If you’re into that sort of nonsense.

I, of course, will observe my long-cherished annual tradition of pretending absolutely nothing is going on until I finally crack under the pressure and pass out in the dark screaming, “WHY, god, WHY?” and dry heaving. It’s important to maintain consistency in the face of holidays, don’t you agree?

You will be overjoyed to hear that instead of getting you a dusty old box of chocolate covered diabetes or diamonds or something, I have instead forever retired and/or banned the phrases, “all the feels” or just, “the feels”, along with, “yassss” in any and all forms or spellings. Try to restrain your joy, and don’t say I never gave you anything.

But regardless of what I’ll be doing on “The Day”, everyone always seems to want to know what I think THEY should do. (It’s weird, I’m telling you.) And of course I’m always happy to give a fellow ‘mo a helping hand (tee-hee), and so! I give to you this fist-full of quirky, Valentinesy and not-so-Velentinsey event recommendations, to observe the day or not, as your cracked little heart desires:

Firstly: attention all drag queens! Boylesque divas and cabaret stars! (Doesn’t your friend Adrian always put you first? Of course he does.) Here’s a neat thing just for you: That Mad Scientists Dr. Jen at Atomic Cosmetics (which seems to have been saved from that recent wolf-at-the-door situation) is throwing their second ever Drag Swap Meet. You are encouraged to clean out your drag closet (or in this case, your jewelry drawer, wig cupboard, and accessories trunk—they did clothes last time and this one is all about the extras), bring it all on into the store, sell your stuff and get a little something new for yourself (for a hot date later or not, whatever). Show up at 11:00 AM, and it’s over when it’s over.

And for all you gaily gaming geekwads (ahem, Eric Starker): go to Phoenix Comics and Games (poetically located next to Dick’s on Broadway) to socialize with others of your own peculiar persuasion. Bring your own games (or don’t, they’ve got plenty) and your own food and drink, and get ready to rub elbows with more gay geeks than you can toss an 8-sided die at, because these events get PACKED. (Fudgepacked? Well, that’s up to you…) 1 PM-5 PM, no cover.

If you insist upon getting sweaty: Kremwerk is celebrating it’s 1st anniversary as we speak, and tonight it brings us one of the events that helped put it on the map: Bottom 40 Interior, with DJ Nark, Gene Lee, Sean Majors, that hottie Blueeyedsoul, and The Banger Sisters, who are joined by the event’s Happy Hour hosts Cherry Sur Bete and the ArtHaus queens! You’ll even get a free exclusive mix from Gene Lee, free at the door. Because, you know. FUCKING VELENTINES DAY. 10 PM, $10.

But what I’d probably be doing, you know, if I didn’t already have plans (WHY GOD? Rrreeeeetch): tonight we celebrate another very special anniversary indeed, and it’s none-other than the 25th anniversary of that cesspool of fabulous, Re-Bar. Did you know that Re-Bar was one of the primary reasons I moved to this fishy berg, lo! so many gay years ago? True words. And it’s given us all so much more than we deserve (Dina Martina? Ian Bell? The original Hedwig, the only time I did coke, and that one time when then-owner Steve Wells slapped me in the face in the parking lot at Dan and Terry Savage’s 10 year anniversary party? Good times…) DJs (and longtime Re-Bar alums) Riz (from KEXP mostly) and Rob Green (his husband!) and DJ Trouble (aka Terry Hecker) are presiding the decks at this all-star event, which best of all features NOT EVEN A WHISPER of the word “Valentines” whatsoever. The joy! 10 PM, $10.

Happy fucking Valentines. Or not. Whatever.