Hulloooomosexuals! Happy Halloween!

Miss me?

I know, I know… I’ve been gone for ever-so-long. (Did you cry? DID YOU GNASH YOUR TEETH??) I’m sorry if you worried. But I’ve been far too busy worshiping Bernie Sanders, fluffing my eyebrows, being devastatingly ginger, and not writing a damn thing to write a damn thing lately, I’m sure you understand. But It’s not as if I didn’t miss you all dreadfully, my darling ‘mos, and isn’t a little sabbatical always good for the soul? Of course it is.

And naturally I just had to save my triumphant return for Halloween. Because DUH!

BOO!

I’m simply mad for this unholiest of holidays. I’m obsessed with witches and ghosts and all ghouley, vampirey, night-bumpy things. I always have been! At least since I was at the wee-nipping age of five-ish, when I had thoroughly convinced myself that I invented the Halloween Party. I was on my grandmother’s porch, crisply-apple cheeked in the cool and misty October air, eating peanut butter cups (my forever favorite things), dreaming of what my costume should be (I settled on a scary Jack-o-Lantern, which was not much of a stretch, considering my natural resemblance to a pumpkin) and it hit me: My GOD! A PARTY! For HALLOWEEN! That’s what I’ll do! I’ll invite all of my friends and we’ll dress up and play games…why the hell hasn’t anyone already thought of this?! What a groundbreaking concept! Brilliant…

Ahem.

I’m totally overdoing it this year, as usual. I started planning in late July (better late than never). I’ve got three costumes lined up (one for work during the day, one for Friday night, and one for the actual holiday), house parties up the yang, and my apartment is decorated like a gay Dracula’s jewelry box. But my new favorite must-do Samhain tradition (three years running now) is a proper ghost tour/hunt with properly certified ghost hunter, Kook Teflon.

SCURRY!

Aside from being an artist, a musician, and a bona fide card-carrying witch with her own line of mojo products, Kook conducts haunted tours and ghost hunts in Pike Place Market, which, if you weren’t aware, boasts a rather robust amount of ghostly activity. From an often sighted child ghost to the country’s first serial killer to the ghost of Chief Seattle’s daughter (“Princess Angeline”) to a secret burial mound you’d never guess was even there, there’s more ectoplasm floating around the shadows of the Market than you can shake a witch stick at, and Kook is an expert in it all.

But the crowning jewel of all this spookiness is a deeply creepy abandoned space at 1921 First Avenue, above (and currently owned by) Kells Irish Pub, that they simply call, “The Mortuary”. Apparently the space was actually the first mortuary in the United States (the former owner, Edgar R. Butterworth, coined the term—your one stop shopping for all things dead and creepy!), and it’s history is dripping with mayhem and murder.

And even though the space is prime real estate, it has remained abandoned for years simply because no business can last there— the ghostly activity is just too hot to handle. In fact, the last restaurateur to set up shop there shortly walked out one night, locked the door, dropped the key through the mail slot, crossed the street, and refused to ever go near the place again…

I am such a sucker for a good ghost story.

Of course, Kook is full of them, and I’ve been on several of her tours and hunts—which aren’t without some seriously creepy shit going down. On my last visit to the Mortuary, which involves a lot of sitting in the dark covered in goose-pimples talking to disembodied things, a handful of peculiar manifestations, well, manifested, including a strange spot in the middle of the room that consistently set off our EMF-Meters (a common spook-finding tool) and my roommate got some rather alarming cell footage of “orbs” zipping around one particularly haunted stairway…among other things.

I asked Kook if she’d share a few of her personal experiences—recent ones, just to keep it fresh. The first two she gave me happened just earlier this month…the other happened (gulp) just Tuesday of this week…

“I had a group of 15 people,” Kook tells us. “We were all sitting in a circle as I told them the history of The Mortuary. All of a sudden, on the other side of the room, where none was near mind you, a stack of boxes flew across the room and my EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomena—ghost voices caught on recording) picked up a voice that spoke right into the device that said the words I was JUST about to say…’to be seen or heard’.”

EEEEK!

“Also, just two weeks ago, when I was on my way to work my boyfriend mentioned regretting giving away his Sacagawea coin when we had visited new Orleans the week prior. That night as I was in The Mortuary. Something fell at my feet as I spoke to the tour. I shined my flashlight down and it was a Sacagawea coin…”

Sacagawea coins? You know what this means? Right.

GHOSTS TAKE THE LIGHT RAIL.

EEEEK!

“Then, just last night,” Kook continues, “I was in there and as soon as I walked in my purse started vibrating, as if there was a phone in it. My phone was in my pocket on the opposite side…. As I sat and told stories it vibrated two more times very loudly. Everyone in the group heard it….I even double checked my pockets When we left mortuary and the tour was finished, another person and I checked my bag….I had forgotten a friend had given me a phone a month ago…but I took it to T-Mobile they couldn’t activate it , so it has no charge no service at all! It’s been in my bag for a month….dead….it won’t even turn on!”

Seriously. EEEEK!

If you have balls enough to meet some rascally, box-tossing spooks who clearly need to make a call (or you’ve ever just really wanted to hang out with Princess Angeline), you can arrange a public tour or even a private ghost-hunting adventure with Kook at The Market Ghost Tours, located in Ghost Alley Espresso in Post Alley.

I mean. You know. IF YOU DARE.

EEEEEEEK!