You’ve waited, you’ve wondered, you’ve bit your stubby little nails and done the frantic pee-pee dance…but the wait ends now, dammit! It’s finally here! The most important and highly anticipated event in all of queer Seattle history…

Adrian Ryan’s World Famous Annual (Or Maybe Every-Six-Monthly, I Haven’t Decided Yet) Top 10 Sexiest Guys in Seattle List™!

My bong and I have painstakingly poured over Facebook photos and cyber-stalked the hell out of everyone in general (as usual), and made our decisions based upon three categories: Hotness, hotness, and hotness. Also, each contestant has to be gay (duh) and currently reside in Seattle. (Sorry expats—your fickle hearts have disqualified you!)

The finalists range from baristas to pole dancers, bank tellers to bar backs, drag queens to Amazonians, and all of them at one time or another have given me a serious case of the chubs. You too, probably.

Did you make the list?

But wait! Let’s not make anything too easy…

In the spirit of passive aggressiveness and utter chaos, I’ve decided to add a little twist to make it a bit challenging. I have taken the actual first and last initials of the top ten sexiest guys, but I have changed the names accordingly to protect the guilty, so you have to guess!  Think you can figure out who’s who? (CAN YOU??)

Ready? We begin!

10. Jiggly Marmalade
9. Tan Haunches
8. Engorged Neckline
7. Dumb Waiter
6. Anxious Kangaroo
5. Awful Screeching
4. Darling Buttcrack
3. Snot Bucket
2. Chilling T-Rex
1. Narwhal Waistband

With special runner-up status to: Jesus Coldcut

See, wasn’t that just too flipping easy?

Okay, fine, dammit. One last hint: All of them are active in “the scene”, and you probably know exactly who I’m talking about, if you put your pretty little brains to the task (and stalk my Facebook friends list for two seconds).

How many did you guess? One of them? All of them? Good! Tell me your guesses in the comments… get three or more correct, and I’ll enter you to win two tickets to Out & In: A Pride Comedy Showcase, featuring James Adomian, Elecia Sanchez and our good friend Nick Sahoyah (who almost made the list…)!

Do it now!