Happy Halloween, every ‘mo!
And yes it IS still Halloween, God dammit, don’t argue with me. It’s not over until I damn well say so, AND I CONCEDE NOTHING.
Perpetually the manic, chipper pixie that I am, believe it or not I do still suffer from serious AHDD (After Halloween Depression Disorder). The costumes have all fled (except for me wearing my Myrtle Snow and Endora outfits around the house to keep from cutting my wrists), the spooks have gone to ground, and I am certainly no fan of what comes next: a long, wet, ugly slog unto that unspeakable “next holiday” dedicated to dry turkey, football, plates of goop, and Puritans—ugh.
Honestly. Football and Puritans? Just beat me to death with a dry drumstick and spare me the grief.
Besides, I never get trick-or-treaters (partly because I live in an apartment and partly because I’m always face down in a puddle of tequila at Pony on Halloween anyway) so WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THIS DAMN CANDY? You don’t expect me to consume this mad leftover mountain of Dots and Reese’s all by myself do you? If I plowed through half of it I’d be immediately struck with Instant Onset Adult Diabetes—my feet would instantly fall off and I’d start enjoying Paula Dean. Not pretty.
Well, at least I know what everyone’s getting for Christmas. Old Halloween candy. So I guess that problem’s solved.
Don’t be ridiculous! Of course I’m only kidding! What I’m getting everyone for Xmess this year is Bernie Sanders bumper stickers (I want to have your septuagenarian love gaybies, Bernie Sanders!) and the CD from everybody’s favorite international recording hooker, Mizz Honey Bucket!
And what in the name of little baby beejesus is a Mizz Honey Bucket, you say? I’m so glad you asked.
Take it away, Mizz Bucket…
“I was born in Las Vegas, NV”, she tells us. “I grew up in a The King’s 8 trailer park on Boulder Highway.”
“My mother had high hopes for me and managed to get me in a show on the Las Vegas Strip! It was called, ‘Crazy Girls’”, Mizz Bucket explains. “I did a dance routine during a break in the show. I wore an oversized dress in which little dogs would jump in and out from under and do cute, little tricks!”
“But by the time I reached high school, I realized that I could make a lot more money working the pole. Eventually I developed a coke habit and blew all my money up my nose. That led to turning tricks off the Strip.”
“I had big dreams of making it on an episode of Cops,” she laments, “But that never came to fruition.” “After hitting rock bottom, I decided that I needed a change and moved to the Pacific Northwest. Eventually I landed at the Pine Terrace Village trailer park on Pac-Hwy in Des Moines. Soon I started hosting karaoke at a dive bar called the White Horse in Tukwila and eventually began throwing in live numbers of my own material! A producer happened to hear my shit and asked me to work on some more polished material! “
“Today I work two jobs as I slowly climb the ladder of stardom: part-time ho on Aurora; part-time ghetto-white-trash rap queen!”
Her CD is called “Honey Bucket: American Ho”, and contains 13 tracks, including such sure-to-be classics, My Connie, Cock Magnet, and Baby Got Front. She tells us…
“My CD was a compilation of work done over several years! It is a mix of parodies and original music. The songs usually start with one line, and the story of the song is then fleshed out from there.”
“Performers that influence my work are Jackie Hell and Dina Martina. Musically I pull from Missy Elliott and earlier Eminem along the way to older jazz tunes, disco, and cheesy pop songs…”
Mizz Honey Bucket has hosted many events in Seattle including BUMP! and events at XL Bear Labor Day Weekend. She is currently co-hosting Bacon Strip, Seattle’s longest running variety drag show, along with the show’s creator, Sylvia O’Stayformore. Her upcoming shows include Bacon Strip Special: Christmas Gifts on Dec 5th, 12th, 18th, and 19th and West Side Glory: Chill on Jan 23rd. Her CD is now available exclusively at these events.
“Ain’t nothin’ gonna stop dis ho from superstardom!” she assures us.
But in the end, it’s Honey’s positive message that truly distinguishes her. As she puts it, “I don’t give a fuck what you think! Bitch, I’m fabulous!” And really, so is her very funny CD.