Ru-minations: Bitter Ru-venge

This is it. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. The revelation behind the “Revenge” twist of All-Stars Season 2.

And girl, prepare your taste buds, because this sumptuous feast is salty as hell.

Last week’s episode ended with all 4 eliminated queens glaring through the one-way vanity mirror, just in time to catch Phi Phi O’Hara badmouthing Alyssa Edwards after Alaska eliminated her.

Well this week, Coco Montrese, Tatianna, Ginger Minj, and Alyssa herself all returned to the workroom and joined the other 5 contestants (sans Adore, because she opted to quit rather than compete.) In the fashion of last week’s runway challenge, each eliminated queen entered in transforming looks.

Immediately, Phi Phi and Alyssa got into it, with Phi Phi accusing Alyssa of being inconsistent and breaking the “rule” that they “all” agreed to: eliminating the queen with the harshest critiques from the judges. Alyssa defended her decision to send Ginger home instead of Katya, and Phi Phi leaned in. Hard. “Alright, you can play the victim, but go ahead.”

Alyssa said to Ginger that she explained her reasons for the elimination. Ginger’s response? “I’m saying your reasoning was bullshit.” But when Katya says she expected to go home, Ginger says she “wouldn’t have let her,” implying that she would have volunteered as tribute in Katya’s place.

Phi Phi started yelling at Alyssa while Alyssa played it cool. “Everything I’ve heard about her, I’m glad she validated it.”

Making a Comeback

Ru entered the workroom and welcomed her 4 eliminated queens back, explaining that this week’s Maxi Challenge will be to perform a stand-up comedy show—in groups. The eliminated queen who wins will come back to compete, choosing which of the (previously) Top 5 queens she sends home in her place.

High stakes, ladies.

Ru instructed the 4 eliminated queens to choose a partner for their comedic routine, and they chose in order of the most recently eliminated. Alyssa, last to get the chop, was the first to get her choice. And in a surprising move, she picked Alaska, the queen who sent her packing last week. “I have something to prove to her as a partner,” Alyssa said, “so I’m gonna make it count.”

Ginger wisely chose jokester and best friend Katya. Tatianna then picked Detox to be her partner. Says Tati: “She’s funny, she’s dirty, and she’s not Phi Phi or Roxxxy. Choices.” Smart girl.

That left Coco to choose between Phi Phi and Roxxxy. She cast her vote for the hammier of the two—Phi Phi—which left Roxxxy the last pick. Since she was the odd woman out, RuPaul told Roxxxy she would be the MC of the evening, and if she ended up winning, she would have the power to chop the bottom queen AND choose which of the eliminated queens would return. Quite the prize!

JK

In the workroom, the contestants divided into groups and began writing their shticks. As Coco and Phi Phi determined what their jokes would be, they decided to incorporate the things they’re respectively most known for: the color orange, and being a bitch. But Phi Phi derailed the work and brought up her beef with Alyssa. Coco wasn’t feeling it and refused to get pulled into the gossip.

The queens then got to rehearse on the runway with coaching from Ross Mathews and comedian Chelsea Peretti. They told Katya and Ginger to provide a little more context for their “frenemy” bit, and recommend that Tati and Detox avoid grossing their audience out and incorporate more wit.

But when Coco and Phi Phi started to do a skit instead of a stand-up routine, Ross stopped them dead. “That was great, but now make it funny.” As Coco suggested going back to the original plan with more jokes, Phi Phi passive-aggressively agreed to the change.

After rehearsal, the queens prepped for the show. It was then that Phi Phi pulled Alyssa aside in an effort to resolve their conflict from the beginning of the episode. Only instead of resolving said conflict, Phi Phi continued to defend why she called Alyssa a victim and alleged that Alyssa threw people under the bus. “I’ve never been one to throw people under the bus,” Alyssa said, “but that’s exactly what people said you did your season.” Alyssa said she admires Phi Phi’s art and wants to put the tension behind them. Phi Phi obliged and the two “hugged it out” in an embrace more awkward than how you greet your arthritic grandfather who can’t decide whether to sit or stand for you.

“That hug was like Obama hugging Donald Trump,” says Coco. “Uh-uh. I ain’t buyin’ it.”

Oh She Really Came That Way?

Showtime! RuPaul—did we mention she won an Emmy?—entered in a stunning belted kimono, glittering with streaks of purple, teal, and magenta, topped off with disco hair. She sat with judges Michelle Visage, Todrick Hall, Carson Kressley, and Ross Mathews, while the audience filled in with Drag Race alumni like Vivienne Pinay, Alexis Mateo, Trinity K. Bonet, Mariah Paris Balenciaga, Kelly Mantle, and Vivacious (sans Ornacia, who is rumored to be in rehab).

Roxxxy kicked off the show and welcomed everyone. “I’m just gonna start off and say I’m sorry.” Though she had glimmers of genuinely funny jokes, Roxxxy fumbled her lines and botched her timing. Not a hit.

Coco and Phi Phi were the first comedy duo to perform, and for a second, as Phi Phi came onstage dressed as a ratchet pregnant hooker, we’re given a flicker of hope that perhaps this could actually be funny. But while Phi Phi hammed up her lines in a fake accent, she quickly became the “straight man” (so to speak) to Coco’s seasoned prostitute character. Coco got all the best jokes, delivered them with ease, and literally crunched up Doritos in a bag and applied it to Phi Phi’s face as foundation. Unfortunately for the pair, the chip bit was not enough to impress the judges or win the audience over.

Cut to Roxxxy being boring.

Next up were Alaska and Alyssa, paired together for the second time (and hoping for better results). “Alyssa, we’re in the company of some amazing queens tonight,” said Alaska. Alyssa: “Where!?” “Detox and Tatianna are here.” “The Hills Have Eyes, Part 2, The Remix,” Alyssa joked. “Alyssa, describe Michelle Visage in 1 word,” Alaska set up. “Beast!” Though Michelle didn’t laugh at all, the audience queens were hysterical. And when it looked like Alyssa would hog all the jokes, Alaska ended with: “Don’t worry, if drag doesn’t work out, you’ll always have something to fall back on. Your back rolls.”

Roxxxy again. More boring.

Then it was time for Ginger and Katya. Expectations were high since these queens are both touted as comedic spitfires, but while the jokes were funny, they had a tough act to follow in Alaska and Alyssa. They entered to applause and Ginger didn’t miss a beat. “It’s not the first time she’s gotten the clap from a room full of people.” “I spend most of my time on my back while she tries to find someone to shave hers,” said Russian-accented Katya. “I will turn you in to immigration, Balky!” Ginger retorted. “We have plunged headfirst into the most beautiful friendship, and we have never looked back. Mostly because she doesn’t have a neck.” Funny stuff, but not a knee-slapper routine.

ROXXXY. STAHP.

Lastly, Detox and Tati took the stage as two characters fundraising for charity. “It’s a benefit for babies battling bulimia!” says Tati. And when Detox asked if Tati plans to have tots of her own, she replied, “I’ve always wanted some but the doctor keeps telling me that my testi—that my ovaries are just getting in the way.” Detox’s garbled accent was tricky to understand but hilarious to witness, lobbing the jokes for Tati’s play-dumb style that won her Season 2’s Snatch Game. Tati prepared to confess a secret to Detox, what we all expect to be coming out as a man. “There’s a secret behind the woman you see here today. You see,” she murmurs, dropping to a wooden baritone, “I used to have braces.” As they exited, Detox faked a limp and said, “Oh no, that Sally Field lied to me about the Boniva.”

Gold.

The Gauntlet

The audience cleared out as the queens filed in for Michelle’s firing sq—I mean the judges’ critiques.

Roxxxy was critiqued harshly, rightly so. Michelle of all people gave her some mercy and recognized that working solo was a difficult job. “But you really should have stolen the show from everybody,” she said.

Phi Phi and Coco were also given tough feedback. Phi Phi defended their choice to dramatize an act, saying “we were going for more of an SNL skit rather than just stand-up.” Michelle: “I get it, but it turned into more of an after school special.” This was right on: we were given what looked like an anti-teen-pregnancy PSA peppered with a joke or two.

Alyssa and Alaska, however, were praised for their double act. And the judges appreciated Katya and Ginger’s performance, but Ross Mathews felt that the performance felt like work. “I just could have used a little more joy.”

Carson loved Tatianna’s gig, and Michelle appreciated Detox’s humor but said, “You almost couldn’t hear her because of the accent.” “But the punch lines were there,” said Todrick.

The Scorned Shall Rise

Though it was a tough call, Ru named the two winning groups: Tati + Detox, and Alyssa + Alaska! A huge success for Alyssa, who was freshly booted by her own scene partner, and Tatianna, who was second to be eliminated this season and wants a chance to show her growth.

Katya was deemed safe, which left Roxxxy and Phi Phi in the bottom, deservedly. And while both queens have lip synced in the top this season, both have been in the bottom before, too.

This meant that Ginger and Coco’s chance to return was dashed, and they were dismissed. Again.

Tati and Alyssa were then in a position to fight for the right to return to the competition. They were sent backstage while the judges scrapbooked bedazzled cutouts of the All-Stars queens.

Both Alyssa and Tatianna took the bottom two queens aside separately and had a chat with them on the couch. Phi Phi, clearly bitter that Alyssa rose to the top and was in a position to send her home after their spat, didn’t even try to veil her annoyance. “I don’t feel like I should have to beg,” she said. “I shouldn’t have to kiss anybody’s butt to stay here.” Alyssa told Phi Phi she celebrates her art and wishes her the best no matter what. Then Roxxxy sat with Alyssa, and at least had the decency to cry. “Stand up and fight for it,” urged Alyssa. “Say, ‘I want to be here!’” “I do,” Roxxxy sobs.

You see where this is going.

Tati then talked with a salty Phi Phi. “Yeah of course, obviously I want to fucking be here,” Phi Phi snipped. But instead of humbling herself or proving her star quality, she attempted the conniving ingratiation game she’s been clumsily attempting—and failing—all season. “I’m gonna be honest with you. You guys were funny up there, but it was really hard to hear what Detox was saying.” Cut to Tati in her confessional calling Phi Phi out on this bullshit. You don’t appeal to your would-be eliminator by badmouthing their teammate—the one who helped that queen win this week. Foolio.

With heavy hearts, skirted bodices, and thigh-high boots, Alyssa and Tati palmed the lip stick tubes that represented their elimination choice. “It really ended up being a neck-and-neck decision,” says Tatianna.

Shut Up and Lip Sync

Performing to the song “Shut Up and Drive” by Rihanna, Alyssa and Tatianna took the stage. Ru, for the first time this season, got to bring back that beloved catchphrase: “Lip sync for your LIFE!” Perhaps it is because both queens were threatened with going home again that this week’s lip sync was arguably the best of the season so far, motivating both contestants to push hard and emote.

Tati served up charismatic sex appeal and elegant choreo in her white ensemble while Alyssa gave face and acrobatics in her black outfit. Both were bombshells, and both worked that catwalk out.

Ru faced the queens, took a breath, and named Tatianna the winner of the lip sync. Slowly, Tati raised her shocked face to Ru in disbelief. But Ru had broken Tati’s gaze, for she turned her head to Alyssa and said, “Alyssa Edwards. You are also a winner, baby.”

Because Adore quit early, and because both queens slayed, THEY BOTH WON THE LIP SYNC. They each received $5k, a place back in the competition, and the power to eliminate one of the bottom queens. This meant that if Tati and Alyssa picked different queens, BOTH bottom contenders would be cut.

Alyssa was up first. “I think you’re both great entertainers and competitors,” she told Roxxxy and Phi Phi. “However, tonight, I chose Phi Phi O’Hara to go home.”

This left Roxxxy sweating bullets as Tatianna gave her decision: “This was a really difficult decision to make. But in the end,” she said, rolling the lip stick tube over in her hand, “I chose Phi Phi O’Hara.”

And thus, Phi Phi’s ratchet pregnant ass was eliminated by TWO winning queens. When Alyssa moved in to give her a hug goodbye, Phi Phi waved her off and walked past her.

You’ll recall Phi Phi entering the workroom in Episode 1 dressed as The Riddler, saying, “I’m playing a villain! Get it?” Even if this was meant to be an ironic jab at the World of Wonder producers, she certainly lived up to the antagonist role. So the bitch who wept about being turned away for bookings and getting death threats on social media decided to end things in a way that would tank her career.

This means that next week, we’ve got 6 queens left in the competition. Who do you think is next to go? Tatianna, Alyssa, Katya, Alaska, Detox, or Roxxxy? Let us know in the comments below or on social media, tune in for next week’s episode, and catch an all new Ru-minations next week!

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