SEATTLE, WA – A red sun sets on Valentine’s Day 2018, with 1 wounded and 1 newly celebrated as a hero, as a Valentine’s Day celebration ran what some might call amuck.
At 7:05 AM, Charlie Parsley, 28, woke up like it was any other day. They woke up, dressed, ate breakfast, and then began to scroll through their non-chronological Instagram feed, liking videos of cats and memes trolling Cancers. Suddenly, panic struck as Parsley began to see post after post about Valentine’s Day. Their feed was filled with sappy #WCW posts, since the holiday fell on a Wednesday this year; cynical ironic memes from poor unfortunate souls whose hearts had been crushed by the machine; and, of course, the most affronting offense of them all, suggested ads for edible arrangements, even though Parsley had only mentioned them once in passing to a coworker last week.
Infuriated by the unceasing inundation of pinks and red hearts, Parsley realized that the only way to restore their Instagram feed to its original state would be to travel to the alternate dimension where all holiday caricatures live and shoot Cupid – and also somehow stop Instagram from changing the feed from chronological to an algorithm.
They quickly made posts across all their social media platforms proclaiming their mission for the day with the hashtags: #cupidbetterhide, #ifiguredoutdimensionaltravel, and #valentinesday. And oh did those posts go viral.
At 4:20 PM, Parsley began a live feed on Instagram as they stepped into their intra dimensional vehicle. They streamed their journey as they crossed dimensional borders. The world watched as Parsley, dressed in nothing but a diaper and a quiver of arrow quickly found Cupid, (To watch the whole video follow the link at the bottom of this article. Please be informed that it contains graphic content) shot Cupid in the shoulder, and audibly shouted: YOU ARE NO LONGER A HOLIDAE YOU GADDAMN LIL CHERUB!
They then immediately returned to their home dimension and found themself in a Valentine’s Day-free world. Strangely, their Instagram timeline was also back to normal.
I was fortunate enough to get a statement from Parsley, later that evening, as they were swept away in a parade in celebration that the commercialized holiday would no longer exist.
“Valentine’s Day is traditionally steeped in hetero-SNORE-ativity,” they proclaimed. “From priests writing love letters to their 16-year-old wives, to commercialized corporate celebrations, Valentine’s Day has been an example of everything that’s wrong in our society. I have saved my people from another holiday meant for straight white people to rub their perceived superiority in everyone else’s faces.”
The streets are filled hundreds of people celebrating the end of this toxic holiday. The sheer excitement in the air is contagious. But one can’t help but wonder: What comes next? Perhaps Valentines Day will now be celebrated as the invention of inter-dimensional travel or the heroism of Parsley. One will never know the effects of Parsley’s actions in the future, but for now it seems very bright.